When all is said and done, a youth is at his core a youth. Fury and fear are children of circumstance—when the circumstances of their birth have passed, their lives too come to an end. After narrowly escaping from the jaws of death, Feibai forgot all about the bickering and frights he experienced along the way. Seizing Su Mo’s hand, he ordered, “Hurry and bring hot water for my Su Mo. Help him change and rest! He carried me loyally on his back for three days and nights while we made our escape. I owe him my life, so don’t you give him the cold shoulder just because he’s my servant!”
A safe region had been set up in a temple outside the prefectural city and a regiment of soldiers was stationed there at this very moment. Having heard the orders of their Lord Judge,1 the soldiers did not dare to neglect Su Mo in the slightest. Some servilely helped him to change and bathe while others set up a bed for him in the side room. Exhausted from days on the run, Su Mo nearly fell asleep in the bathtub. Yet when he recalled the fact that Feibai had lain draped over his back for the entire journey, resting his sleeping chin on his shoulder, or leaning wordlessly into his embrace and allowing himself to be held tightly while they hid from bandits, all the emotions that that had sustained him through those three days and nights came rushing back to the forefront. In Feibai’s own words he had received “a second chance at life”, but in Su Mo’s heart, his words morphed into “a second chance at fate”. He thought to himself: “So yearning and wishing can grind a pestle into needle after all.”
How could he bear to leave Feibai’s side now? Su Mo refused to rest and set out in search of his master. Since Feibai was an official, the temple abbot had graciously hosted him in his own rooms. Seeing that it was Master Xue’s own servant who came, the soldiers stationed outside naturally did not stop him. Yet when Su Mo walked up to the door of the inner room, what he heard was Feibai’s cheerful laughter. “How could my humble name be known even in Shaanxi’s Fengxiang Prefecture?” he asked. “I’m only a youth who dabbles in writing the occasional verse—how can I be deserving of such high praise? I’m too ashamed to accept such undeserved applause!”
Su Mo’s heart sank and he thought: “Back to his frivolous ways again. He’s just skirted around a trip to Heaven and now he’s already involving himself with dissolute scholars!”
He hastened inside and saw that the person Feibai was sitting across from was no scholar but rather a junior officer from the garrisoned regiment. Though he was dressed in civilian clothing, there was nonetheless an undeniable martial quality to his appearance. Host and guest alike were drinking tea while they conversed genially. Su Mo walked over at once in hopes that Feibai would show him some concern and ask, “Why aren’t you sleeping, you must be exhausted from our escape?” Imagine his shock then, when Feibai only nodded slightly upon seeing him and continue talking enthusiastically with the officer.
“In my earlier days, some booksellers took interest in my humble writings and had them engraved and published. I’ve also attended a few of the practice sessions in Suzhou, but the performances were never quite satisfactory. Alas, I was in mourning for my parents and then took up office here, so I’ve never had time to personally train a troupe of actors. I hadn’t imagined that anyone in the remote northwest would know how to sing in the Kun style, but now it seems like I might be able to cobble together a troupe after all.”
The junior officer laughed. “Judge Xue has the demeanour of a famous scholar so you look down on others! Guanzhong was once a centre of refined literary grace as well—how could we have no entertainment here? We’ll be able to piece a Kun troupe together once the bandits are defeated. This humble officer is unskilled, but won’t shy from painting his face and playing a supporting role for fun.”
Feibai was ecstatic. “Is that so? Who could’ve thought that an officer in the army would also know music!”
Su Mo ground his teeth and cursed under his breath, “The bandits haven’t been quelled, but the local officials are already busy discussing songs and dramas. No wonder a formidable city like Fengxiang fell so easily to looters!”
Fuming silently, Su Mo could only listen on as the junior officer said cheerily, “How can I compare to a talent like Your Excellency? It’s common knowledge that even the skills of Suzhou’s best actors pale in comparison to that of Judge Xue’s performances at Tiger Hill. This humble officer ventures to ask if he might hear it in person.”
Su Mo did not bother to wait for Feibai’s reply before he interrupted. “Officer, my Master has only just cheated death and his spirits have yet to recover. I fear he won’t be able to sing just yet.”
Only now did Feibai spare another look at him. “Su Mo, you’re even more tired than I am, so why aren’t you resting?”
This was what Su Mo had hoped he would say when he walked in, but hearing it now, a sour feeling was already churning in his stomach. He replied quietly, “Master’s health is very important. You must rest and recuperate after a frightful ordeal.”
The junior officer interrupted with a laugh. “Judge Xue had just been singing endless praise about his servant’s loyalty. Now I see that he wasn’t exaggerating the slightest. A servant this loyal is seldom seen.”
Feibai smiled back. “You’ve overpraised him. He’s just simple-minded and lacks any concept of respect. But then again, he’s not wrong either. I faced some terrible frights during my escape and my heart is still palpitating even now. Where would I find the breath to sing? One day when we’re free and the Kun troupe is rehearsing, I’ll personally teach them a song and ask for your guidance then.” With that, he offered the officer a cup of tea and saw off his guest.2
Su Mo was frustrated deep down, he could not speak out of turn as a servant. Feibai, on the other hand, was in high spirits and did not mind that Su Mo had interrupted him in front of a guest. He only said, “Now that you mention it, I really do feel quite tired. You should go back and rest as well. There are soldiers on guard here, so you can sleep for three whole days if you want to. The prefectural offices in Fengxiang were burned down, so we won’t be going back any time soon.”
Su Mo grumbled, “Master, if you knew what it’s like to be drained in body and soul, why did you indulge in empty chatter instead of farewelling the guest and sleeping?”
Feibai chuckled. “Who gave you permission to complain about me? I thought the northwest was full of dull and uncultured men, but it turns out there are refined individuals even in a military camp. I was only lost in the moment talking about verses and music.”
Su Mo had tried his best to remain silent, but now he finally said, “Master, this lowly one has some words of advice.” Feibai looked at him and nodded for him to continue. “Master is no longer a youth indulging in revelry but rather an official with official duties. In the past … your friends and contract brothers3 in Suzhou and Beijing were at least all famed literati. Even if there was some … gossip, you could still explain it away as the eccentricities of a famous scholar, or being led astray by amorous pursuits … That way, you wouldn’t quite become a laughingstock. But now, in this sort of place and with a man of the sword … if Master encourages him and starts fooling about with him … it would ruin your reputation and disgrace your ancestors if word got out … Master, you must think over this again.”
A torrent of jealousy coursed through his heart, but his advice was bitter medicine. What he said was contrary to what he felt, so he had to choose his wording carefully, and each word felt heavier on this tongue than a metal weight. Once he finished speaking, the room fell into a sudden silence with only the smoke from a censer of sandalwood incense curling up in the air between them.
This was the first time that he spoke so bluntly and exposed his master’s libertine behaviours. With Feibai’s temperament, Su Mo was sure that he would fly into rage and turn hostile. As such, he lowered his head and waited wordlessly for the inevitable. Yet after a long while, he heard Feibai sneer, “Disgrace my ancestors? What ancestors have I to disgrace? I don’t even know my own name and clan.”
Su Mo could not believe his ears and looked up in surprise. Feibai was leaning on the meditation bed, stirring the ashes in the censer with an incense rod. His expression was weary as he said, “You’re my close confidant, Su Mo, but you weren’t born to a servant in my household so you don’t know the taboos of my family … Ignorance is not a crime, so I’ll let you off just this once. Do you understand?” Su Mo did not answer, so he raised his voice and repeated, “Do you understand?”
Su Mo replied, “If this lowly one doesn’t know what the taboo is, how can he avoid mentioning it in the future? I truly do not understand.”
Feibai studied him with a frown, hints of anger slowly emerging in his expression. His brows were finely tapered and his cheeks blushed with ease; when irritated, dark clouds congregated upon the ridge of his brow, and his face would bloom pink like cherry blossoms. In truth none of this worked to make him imposing—to the contrary, it had the effect of stirring the viewer’s mind and soul—and for those already captivated by his charms, a single twitch of his brows at this moment would turn their knees weak against them, ready to collapse onto the ground. Su Mo’s heart and eyes were swimming and his knees unsteady. With great effort he remained standing and lifted his face to meet Feibai’s eyes. After a while, it was Feibai who relented first. Casually discarding the censer rod, he sighed, “All right! It’s no secret in the family, either, so you’re bound to learn of it sooner or later.”
It was rare for him to concede in front of Su Mo. Stumbling forwards, Su Mo seized the opportunity to step closer and placed a hand beside the bed. This was perfect since Feibai’s voice had also become quieter, taking on a whisper-like quality that required him to lean close to hear.
“In truth … it’s not really anything to hide, and it’s not something that’s shameful either. The Xue clan had a paternal aunt who was the widow of the Lu in their county … When I passed the exams in my eighteenth year, the Lu suddenly filed a case with the county claiming that my father had adopted me and that I was really a posthumous child of the Lu. They said they wanted me to be returned to them …”
Indeed, this was not a great, unspeakable secret, but Feibai’s tone was grave enough that Su Mo could not take him lightly.
“I heard that after my aunt was widowed, she returned to her birth family and gave birth to a son the same year that I was born. Later, both mother and son died of illness, but the Lu family did not bother to investigate. Who’d have known that as soon as I passed the exams, a lawsuit would be waiting on my doorstep? My father was a wealthy but timid man who had never stepped foot in a court of office before. To make matters worse, I was still away in the capital. How could he have survived the Lu’s repeated accusations? The ordeal terrified my parents and they passed away from illness. Yet when I returned from a thousand miles away to mourn them, the Lu family blocked me outside my own door, insisting that I was their blood and refusing me the right to wear the Xue’s mourning attire. Then, they took me to court with another lawsuit …”
Su Mo asked, “What was the verdict?”
Feibai laughed coldly. “Empty words and baseless claims. They say I’m their descendant, but where was their evidence?! Without any evidence, what’s left to sue over? They could bully my ignorant father and weak mother, but I wasn’t about to let them continue in my presence!”
Su Mo said, “So the court must’ve dismissed their case right away. Then … it would have been over.”
Feibai’s voice was melancholy. “It was over. I didn’t want to live in Shanghai County, so I decided I might as well move to Suzhou. It was out of the Lu family’s reach and I was all too happy to be freed from the entanglement.” He leaned back and sighed again, “Only, deep down, I’m still rather ill at ease.”
“And what for?” Su Mo prompted.
Feibai said in a low voice, “If I think about it carefully, the Lu family’s lawsuit wasn’t completely baseless. I … Although my aunt passed away long before I could remember things, she was after all a relative of mine, and I’ve heard all sorts of rumours and gossip since my childhood … My late parents’ sickness came fast and they passed before I could see them for the final time, so they never left me with any final words to ease my suspicions …”
“So … you do have some doubts about your ancestry after all,” Su Mo finished.
Feibai turned away and sneered, “They didn’t ask a single word of me for eighteen whole years, but rushed to welcome me back as soon as they saw my name on the golden scroll.4 They killed the parents who raised me—what have I to doubt about such a cold-hearted and snobbish family!”
His tone was pressed as he spat those words coldly from his mouth. Su Mo’s heartstrings quivered, and the sea of jealousy he had felt earlier now turned into heartache. His arms opened of their own volition and he embraced Feibai, whispering, “You’re stubborn, but in the end, you can’t cut yourself off from ties of blood … No wonder you act recklessly and undermine yourself. It’s all because you’ve been burdened by so much unspeakable suffering …”
Su Mo could swear that he felt Feibai’s shoulders tremble in his embrace and, thinking that Feibai could not hold back his tears, his own heart began to ache in response. Hot blood rushed to his cheeks. Blushing, he slowly lowered his head, wanting to be bold enough to comfort Feibai with a kiss. Yet to his surprise, despite shaking so badly that he could not even still his trembling arms, Feibai still somehow managed to break free from his hold. Only then did Su Mo realise that the movements originating from deep in Feibai’s chest were not sobs but rather wild laughter. Feibai pointed to him and said, “You … strange servant. Why are you so funny? You’re so sentimental that it sends shivers down my spine! I’ve never come across such maudlin talk in all my years of composing songs. Tell me, where’d you learn it from?”
Su Mo’s face remained burning red, and he stared unblinkingly at Feibai. After laughing for a while, Feibai saw the way that Su Mo was looking at him and gradually composed himself. He said, “That’s my family’s history—the taboo you must avoid mentioning. Do you understand now? From now on, don’t bring up any talk of ancestors or clans in front of me. I won’t respond if you do. Also, I hate people surnamed Lu. I don’t care if they’re related to this or not but don’t mention this surname when you talk to me. Am I clear?”
Su Mo replied “Yes” but then mumbled, “No wonder you changed my surname … My original surname was also Lu.”
Feibai was shocked. “Your surname was Lu? I’d forgotten all about it.”
Su Mo said, “This lowly one is from the Wujiang Lu clan which is completely separate from the Lu clan in Shanghai country.”
Frowning, Feibai said, “It’s quite enough that you bear them no relation; what’s the point of bringing it up again and again? It’s been so long since the lawsuit was settled that they can’t possibly expect to take me back again.”
Su Mo suddenly asked, “What’s the surname of that junior officer?”
Feibai replied casually, “We introduced ourselves, but I’ve already forgotten his name. No matter—I’ll know tomorrow once I have a look at the standard he’s flying in camp.”
Su Mo was incredulous. “You talked with him at length, yet you don’t even remember his surname?”
“Who bothers to commit someone they’ve only met once to mind?” Feibai huffed. “I’m truly exhausted and reeling from the horror of it all. I’ve no spare energy to care for those trivial matters! You can leave now, I really want to sleep.”
Footnotes
1. Feibai’s actual office is that of a “prefectural judge” (推官). “Lord” is a meant to roughly emulate the meaning of 老爷, which is a respectful way of referring to someone with power and status. [Back]
2. When a guest arrives, servants will serve them tea. When the host offers the guest a cup of tea, it is a sign for them to leave. [Back]
3. 契兄, a custom that was originally prevalent in Fujian during the Ming and Qing dynasties. One party, almost always the older and more socially established, would be the “contract older brother” (契兄), while the younger party would be the “contract younger brother” (契弟). This relationship was more formalised than other homosexual relationships found in Chinese history. For example, the elder brother would have to pay a bride price to the family of the younger brother, and the two would conduct an official ceremony reminiscent of a heterosexual marriage. Once the relationship was established, the younger brother would move into the older brother’s household; such relationships could last up to twenty years. At the end of the relationship, the older brother would also be required to pay the bride price to secure a bride for his younger brother. For more information, see Bret Hinsch’s Passions of the Cut Sleeve, or Shen Defu’s《万历野获编·补遗卷三》and Li Yu’s《无声戏·男孟母教合三迁》for primary sources. [Back]
4. 金榜题名, a phrase that refers to someone passing the palace exams. It originates from the custom of writing out the names and ranks of candidates on a massive golden scroll which is displayed for all to see. [Back]
Fossilised Firefly 
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